After lying about a relationship I was having and protecting someone unconditionally for three years I guess it was ridiculous for anyone to expect me to keep away from him simply because the police told him we weren’t allowed to talk. At that stage in my life, I was so scared of losing him and I couldn’t bare that on top of everything else and once again I was on a mission to prove myself to him – regardless of all the pain he’d caused me without a single utterance of an apology. I wasn’t so much scared of him like you imagine from typical ‘domestic violence’ victims, I was more so scared of how I was going to cope with him out of my life and I knew I wasn’t ready to walk away because I would have crumbled instantaneously. Whilst I am proud of myself now for standing up for myself, I know the fact he broke his bail conditions and I allowed him to is going to do nothing but backfire on me in court.
To a jury full of ‘normal’ people I know how difficult it will be for them to understand, in their heads and at face value I was apparently being raped by my boyfriend on a regular basis and I had the opportunity to leave but I still went back to him. I know what they’ll be thinking, ‘he can’t be that bad’ or ‘did it really happen’, and that petrifies me – the thought of being viewed as a liar when I’m stood there explaining all the gory details. I know his defence will rip me apart for seeing him, they’ll make him out to be harmless and as though I’ve made his violent side up. Part of me wishes I never told the police about our contact but I know I couldn’t stand there and lie for him again and pretend I haven’t seen him in the however many months since his initial arrest.
Being honest with the police is part of my own personal journey and healing process, finding the courage to ‘tell on him’ is yet another step away from him – even if it backfires on me. I’m so scared of how I’m going to be portrayed in court, I’m scared he’ll get off with everything and it will be as though everyone is laughing at me, I don’t think I’d ever survive that.